THAT ONE TIME I GOT ARRESTED.

I know what you’re thinking: “how did a cute little thing like you survive jail?”. I'm here to tell you my story.

It was a cold, dreary morning sometime in February of 2017. I was running late for work, just like I do every day because I'm a sucker for constancy. As I'm minding my own business, enjoying life and all that it has to offer, I get pulled over. Tall Dark and Handsome walks up, grabs my license and registration, goes back to his car to do his thang. 15 minutes pass, and TDH returns, asks me to step out of the car, and tells me I’m under arrest because my license was suspended from an unpaid ticket. "Um, what?" Now, I know what you're thinking: "wow, she is so rebellious", but calm down, I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else. Back to the story: so here I am, getting handcuffed on a busy highway. TDH asks if i had any questions, which i did. So i said: “Yes. Do you think everyone driving by thinks i'm a badass for being handcuffed at 7 in the morning?”. He didn’t laugh. Not even a smile. Holy balls, I laughed pretty hard internally. We get to his pickup, my hands cuffed behind my back. He told me to get in. But listen, TDH parked pretty close to the ditch, so it was a hefty jump from the ground to the truck. Here, let me explain something really quick. I am 5 foot tall, period. Not 5'5", not 5'11". 5 fucking feet tall. the bottom of his truck was nearly up to my tiddys. I had no choice but to say "Uh yeah, that ain't gunna work for me" . He insisted it would. I asked if he could take the cuffs off for just a second. He said no. After about a ten second stare-down, I opened my mouth to say: "okay, listen TDH. You see me. You see that i'm carrying a rather large ass, and a pair of melons that would beat me up the second i go from walking to a steady jog. I'm not going to run from you, because A.) I hate running on purpose, and B.) I've lived a taser-free life with long, I can do it for awhile longer". But of course I didn't say any of that. After some pushing, prodding, and lifting, I had been touched in places I didn't know existed, but I was in the truck. After we waited 45 minutes in silence, the tow truck finally arrived to take my car away. We finally start our journey to David City. Butler County Jail, here I come. One thing no one tells you when you're handcuffed, is how itchy you become. EVERYTHING from your toes to your taint itches when you're in cuffs. Probably for the simple fact that you cannot itch those places because you have no hands at the moment. TDH took me on the scenic route to David City. I thought he took gravel roads because it was him trying to be romantic. Until he mentioned that this way was faster. *heart shatters* Besides him saying "This gravel road is the quickest way there", it was nothing but painful silence. I wanted to ask so many questions: "what does this button do? Have you ever killed anyone? What's your instagram tag? Do you want a back rub? What donuts are your favorite?", but I kept my mouth shut and continued to stare out the window. That is, until I had enough of the silence. I look over at TDH and said “you know, i guess i’ve always said that I wanted to go to jail for the experience.” Once again, he didn’t say anything. I look back out the window, let out a tiny air-laugh from my nose: “be careful what you wish for". Nothing. No laughs. What is this guy's problem? I decided to step it up a bit as my determination kicked it into full throttle. I continued with: "well, on the plus side, this will really help build my street cred. You can never underestimate a girl like me”. I looked out the window to avoid him seeing me laugh my fucking ass off. He just continued to drive. Someone definitely shit in his Cheerios this morning. My chariot finally arrived at the jail. And after scanning each of my fingers 300 times, I was officially booked in by the biggest bitch I've ever met. I wanted to ovary-punch her the second she opened her ugly lipsticked mouth. She placed me in a jail cell. I looked at the bed, and plopped down. Excuse the fuck out of me for thinking there was going to be maybe an ounce of cushion in those beds. No. I was wrong. and on top of all that was going on, now my butthole hurt. Two long and gruesome minutes later, I was released. All I had to do was pay the penalty, and I was on my way to get my license back. As I was leaving the building, TDH was back in my life, just like that. In order to get my license, i had to have the DMV talk to him to confirm it was now valid. With the DMV on the phone, I handed it to him, and he explained who he was, and that I was clear to go. He handed me my phone, and walked past me without saying goodbye. I knew this was my last chance to ever see TDH ever again. I had to pull out the big guns. I took a few steps. Stopped. Turned around, and said "Sir?" . He turned around, with an unimpressed look on his face, like a just stuck a dart in his scrotum. "Thank you for being my first. I love you”.

And then it happened. He shook his head. And laughed.