CUPCAKE CATASTROPHE

It took all of my strength to lift the knock-off-brand KitchenAid mixer from the bottom shelf in the pantry, and waddle it to the kitchen counter. I grabbed the short, black cord and plugged it in, but not without flipping the prongs half a dozen times. (Or should I say ‘half a BAKER’S dozen times). Upside down, rightside up, upside down, rightside up, upside down. Ahhhh, right side up. We’re in business. I give the pulse button a little toot-toot. We’re definitely in business.

I have the cake mix box in one hand, and my phone in the other, reading the recipe to make sure I have all of my ingredients. The recipe is named: “How To Hack A Boxed Cake Mix And Make It Infinitely Better.” I’ll be the judge of that. My messy hair bun is falling out, and my boob is trying to escape out of my tank top’s right arm hole. Knowing I’ve got some serious cooking to do, I throw my hair back into a more stable bun, and scold my tiddy for trying to escape. (She behaves the rest of the story). Look out Food Network, here comes Big Mama.

I poured the cake powder into the bowl, discarded the box into the garbage, and grabbed the recipe on my phone to begin the process.

“STEP ONE: Follow the directions on the box.”

Fuck, hold on, now I have to grab the box out of the trash.

“But add one extra egg, and instead of oil, use salted butter”.

Okay, check and check. I plopped in four eggs and the softened butter in lieu of the oil.

“Not only will your cake get a buttery flavor boost, but it will also have a firmer, denser texture.”

A-fucking-men. Shit’s gettin’ gooooood.

“Replace water with milk or coffee. Using whole milk (make sure it’s whole milk) instead of water in the recipe will result in a richer, denser cake that tastes homemade. If you’re baking a chocolate cake, try swapping the water for hot coffee. The coffee will deepen the flavor while the hot liquid will help the chocolate bloom. The same goes for boxed brownies.”

Okay, first of all, this is already beyond my expertise. Second of all, these cupcakes are for a little kid’s first birthday, so maybe coffee isn’t the answer. I have 2% in the fridge, and that’s good enough for me. I shrugged my shoulders in a ‘I-have-no-idea-what-I’m-doing’ fashion, and poured in the milk.

“STEP TWO: Whip it good. One common mistake with boxed cakes is not mixing the batter enough. For best results, whip the cake at medium speed for at least 3 minutes, until the texture and color of the batter have changed.”

I accidentally skipped this step and am just realizing this now as I’m typing. I’m pretty sure I only mixed it for a solid minute. Maybe minute and a half. God damn it.

“STEP THREE: Add sour cream or mayo. Yes, you read that right. Incorporating sour cream or mayonnaise into your batter will add moisture while giving it a little bit of tang.”

I kindly beg your fucking pardon? I SKIPPED THIS STEP (on purpose), obviously. One, because it sounds absolutely terrible, and two, because I didn’t have either of those in my fridge. But, it was about this time that I forgot to preheat the oven, so I ran over there and preheat the oven, leaving chocolate batter on the buttons. 350 degrees, 325 if using dark or nonstick pans. Cool. Killing it.

“STEP FOUR: Evenly pour the batter into the cupcake baking papers, only filling half full. Bake in preheated oven for 15-20 minutes, or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool in pans 10 minutes; remove from pans to cooling rack. Cool completely, about 30 minutes.”

I poured as evenly as I could, and I must say, I did a pretty good job. It’s time to pop them in the oven. I firmly grasp the pan with one hand, and soar across the kitchen to the oven. With my other hand, I lower the door, combating the ferocious swarm of heat that causes my eyes to water. I placed them directly in the center, closed the door, and set the timer. I use my arm to wipe the sweat dripping from my forehead, and I feel more victorious than ever. But now it’s time for the buttercream. I flipped through my phone, trying to locate the recipe on a blog hosted by some bitch named Heather who is a stay at home mom with four hundred kids, loves fall, and has a knack for DIY projects and a college degree in meal prepping for her family. Finally found it. Jesus, Heather, shut up. Nobody gives a shit about your paper mache pumpkin decorations.

“Beat softened butter in large bowl of stand mixer. Sift powdered sugar into bowl and begin mixing on low-medium speed. Add milk and vanilla and mix on medium-high speed for 2-3 minutes until creamy. If too thick, add more milk, about a teaspoon at a time. If too thin, add more powdered sugar until desired consistency is reached.”

Pretty simple process, and I did everything the recipe told me to, step by step. There’s no way I could’ve screwed this up. Confidence level: through the roof. The timer goes off, so I turned around, put on my leopard print oven mitt, and grabbed the cupcakes out of the oven and plopped them on the stove.

Back to the vanilla buttercream.

I’m making sunflower cupcakes, so I separated the buttercream into two containers. Added yellow food coloring to one, brown into the other. I put the buttercream into their designated piping bags that already have the proper tips inserted and ready to go. I piped some yellow onto the cupcake, and smoothed it around to establish a sticky foundation, perfect for attaching yellow little petals. I placed the tip onto the cupcake, squeezed a pea-sized amount, and swiftly pulled the tip toward myself, leaving a delicate and beautiful little petal. I turned the cupcake, and produced another petal, then continued around the cupcake. Time for layer two. I do the same thing. Then I grab the brown buttercream, fill in the middle, and top with brown sprinkles.

I cannot tell you how shocked I was that I actually made a sunflower cupcake. They turned out absolutely adorable. And they looked better with each cupcake. I was ecstatic. Beyond thrilled. I felt accomplished and housewifey. But I couldn’t wait any longer, I had to test one out. I grabbed one, and sank my teeth into it, awaiting it’s blissful taste.

THEY. TASTED. HORRIBLE. I felt like I was eating a stick of butter that was dipped into chocolate cake flavored gravel. I ate two more, just to make sure I definitely fucked up. Yep. I definitely fucked up. Stick a fork in me, because I’m done. From now on, I will forever follow the directions on the box. I tried to be housewifey, but it didn’t work in my flavor. Yeah, I said flavor. So it's kinda like, whatever. I'm already over it. Done. The end.

This story was brought to you by HyVee. For all of your cake and cupcake needs, visit Carla at HyVee. She specializes in last-minute-crisis sunflower cupcakes, and hers definitely do not taste like buttered dog ass.